Lessons learned from holding on too tightly.

If I could use one word to describe the way I’ve been feeling lately, it would be discombobulated. It’s been two years since we were in full lockdown in the UK. Life has changed for us all and whether we know it or not, it’s affected us on a tissue level. The fear, anxiety and stress went deep because we had to brace ourselves and now we’re living with constant uncertainty from the virus, the economy, the climate and the war in Ukraine.

I didn’t realise until my back went into spasm, just how much I had been holding on; quite literally bracing myself. I leapt from one crisis to another - the pandemic, the death of my father in law, the stress of starting a new course, deadlines and learning difficulties, keeping my business afloat and family issues; it all led to my becoming dissociated from myself.

I had known I needed to put the breaks on. I needed to stop, recentre and ground myself. I needed to feel what was happening on the inside, but my course exams were looming and I kept saying “not yet.” So my body floored me! That’s how it works energetically. “Now you’re listening aren’t you,” it said.

It’s been a humbling experience, not least because I know that what I do (or rather, don’t do) affects others. As Brene Brown would put it, I’ve been doing my best. And as I type this, the little gremlin in the back of my mind just said, “Yes, but your best isn’t good enough is it?” My job now is to silence that gremlin with kindness and self compassion.

The tools I learnt studying Yoga Therapy for the Mind will help me. As I say to my clients who take the De-Stress your Mid-Life course, these tools are life long skills that we will return to over and over again. To be human is to be fallible. But the most important thing is that we learn from our mistakes. And my mistake was not prioritising self care.

So lessons learned are:

• Doing your best is good enough.

• Taking time every day for self care is not selfish, but invaluable.

• Celebrate every success, no matter how small.

• Ask for help when you need it.

• The boys are capable of looking after themselves, so let them!

I hope in some way, you resonate with some of this and find it useful to hear my story.

An exercise in adaptability.

Our ability to adapt to different situations depends very much on the individual. Some of us have a sensitive nervous system that requires nurturing. Others are more robust. The condition of our nervous system is determined to a degree by how stressed our mother was when we were in vitro but is also down to the amount of trauma and stress we have experienced in our life.

When we encounter a stressor, every system in our body responds. In order to return to a state of equilibrium (homeostasis), the nervous and endocrine systems have to adapt. We can help our internal recovery along by building mental strength and flexibility. Having a better understanding of ourselves promotes adaptability.

Write a list of circumstances which make you feel uncomfortable such as confrontation, being in a crowded space, driving on the motorway, meeting new people etc... Nothing triggering. As you write each one down, pause and notice how you feel in your body. What are the sensations? Where are they felt? Notice and be curious. Try not to analyse or push them away.

Now visualise the same scenarios differently:

• Breathe deep down into your belly.

• See yourself with your shoulders rolled back, your chest open and your head straight.

• Clench your fists gently. Does that help you to feel more powerful? If it fuels anger, instead of pushing it away, notice where you feel it and how?

• Feel your feet on the ground and ‘root’ down.

• What other physical posture could you take?

• Make a positive affirmation such as, ‘I can do this’, or ‘I’ve got this.’

Write down how you feel. Check in with your mind, body and breath. You may find it helpful to practice this visualisation before every situation with which you are uncomfortable.

Low level stress actually helps us to adapt. Each time we cope with an uncomfortable situation, we feel empowered and become more resilient physiologically and mentally. To strengthen your ability to adapt:

• Step out of your comfort zone regularly.

• Notice, change and notice the change.

• Remember that thoughts are not facts.

• Never base your present fears on past experience; no two situations are the same.

• Be prepared to bend your own rules be more flexible; your way isn’t the only way.

• Acceptance empowers you.

• Do not allow failure to stop you. We learn from our mistakes.

Here are some other tools which you may find helpful:

• Slow down - taking life at a slower pace allows us be aware of our experience and to recuperate from the challenges.

• Keep a journal - writing down our feelings helps put things into perspective.

• Practice gratitude - the brain has a negativity bias so force yourself to recollect the positives.

• Spend time in nature regularly; it is proven to calm and ground us.

If you feel you need some support on your journey, I’m here to help. Why not book a Clarity Call and we can chat confidentially about how to take you forwards.

Mental Health at Menopause - Tips for staying sane!

This month saw Mental Health Awareness week and Wake up to the Menopause week on BBC Breakfast. As both subjects are passions of mine, I couldn’t decide which to write about. So I’m combining the two!

Around the time of the menopause one of the most common symptoms is increased anxiety. It is also true that if you have suffered from trauma and it is as yet unresolved, you are likely to find it rearing its ugly head at menopause.

I’ve mentioned the benefit of Ashwaghanda before but this adaptogenic herb is a wonder. An adaptogen is a herb that supports your body acclimate to stress. Stress is the root cause of anxiety so anything you can do to prevent or manage stress will also help.

Often at the transitional time of menopause, women are at their most busy; running a business or working long hours, managing family life, coping with elderly parents; all of which is stressful. Making time for yourself is the most important thing you can do. Women are notoriously bad at this. We feel guilty if we step away from our family. We feel that we SHOULD be there for everybody else, but this is stressful and you run the risk of compassion fatigue. Yes, it’s a thing!

Doing something that is relaxing, allows you to switch off mentally and that calms your nervous system will benefit. Literally step away from technology for a time.

Research shows that spending time in nature is fabulous for your mental well-being, so why not go for a brisk walk in the park or the countryside. Spending time with others, especially if they are understanding of what you are going through is extremely supportive. After all, a problem shared is a problem halved as they say. Find your tribe and regularly spend time with them.

If you are suffering from depression and finding it difficult to function, there are many things you can do. Rhodiola is another adaptogenic herb that can help with stress, anxiety and depression.

If you are taking ANY other medication, it is always worth speaking with your GP to make sure it is safe to take supplements. However, you might consider speaking with your GP anyway as according to Dr. Rosemary Leonard, author of Menopause - the Answers, anti-depressants can also suppress other menopausal symptoms.

Diet is important. What you eat can effect your mental health. Speak to a nutritional therapist if you need to but the two most important things to cut down on are alcohol and sugar. Alcohol may be your go to when you are stressed but the high you receive from the release of GABA is short lived. You go for another drink and another and soon find that you only feel that same high after a bottle.

Sweets, chocolate and carbohydrates are another choice when stressed but will spike your blood sugar levels and maybe even give you a high, but you will crash down very soon after and feel hungry again. At menopause we tend to gain weight around the middle which usually heightens your risk of cardiovascular disease. Plus the weight gain doesn’t help your self esteem if you are already suffering mentally.

From a yogic perspective, practicing daily will support your mental, physical and physiological well-being. Observe your energy levels and mental state and consider whether to practice some grounding techniques, strong poses or gentle stretches. There is something for every mood and even a breathing technique that cools your hot flushes. Pranayama is magical for mental well-being, as is chanting and meditation. Ten minutes of practice a day is better than one hour a week. If you come to a class, try and practice at home too. You are welcome to photograph my lesson plan to remind you of what you enjoyed.

Cardiovascular exercise really benefits you physically and mentally. I know it can be difficult to fit it in but ask your family to help. Perhaps they can cook for themselves once a week so that you can go to a class . You might take a ten minute walk before eating your lunch. Little and often is better than nothing at all and really boosts your mood.

The most important thing is NOT to suffer in silence. You are not alone. I am a great believer in choice so do your research, never dismiss advice, try something and if it doesn’t work, try something else; whether that is homeopathy, herbs, medication, yoga, meditation or counseling. What works for your best friend might not work for you, so keep an open mind.

Community, support and exercise will greatly benefit. Reach out to me or anyone else who might be able to help. If women are ill informed about menopause, men are going to be less so. TELL your partner and family what you need; it might be the only way you get your needs met.

Talk about the menopause. The more you do, the better educated future generations will be and the easier the transition will be for our daughters.

Go well . Namaste.

Anneliese

Stress - Begin Where You Are.

It only has to take one event to trigger a complete change in your breathing habit. You might always have breathed in your belly (although you were probably not aware of this), then one day you were traumatised by a major stressor. This could be anything that put you into an immediate stress response, from a traumatic event to being yelled at. How your body responds is what is important here.

Commonly with the stress response, your breath shifts from belly to chest. You want to pull air into your lungs so that oxygen can be sent to your heart rapidly, enabling you to fight or flee from the threat. In a healthy system, once the threat is over, the stress response is switched off and breathing returns to the belly.

In modern society where we are constantly under threat on a psychological and physiological basis, the stress response can be triggered again and again in a single day. So what happens? The breath gets stuck in your chest and whether you feel stressed or not, your body thinks you are and keeps you in the stress response.

With so much threat around us, how do we know that we are stuck in the stress response? There are too many signs to list, but here are some things to look out for:

• Being easily startled.

• Constant doing - restlessness.

• Eyes darting around.

• Constant chatter.

• Rushing.

• Low pain tolerance.

• Consistent tension in the back of the skull, jaw, neck or shoulders.

• Feeling regularly overwhelmed.

• Sensory overload - sensitivity to light and sound in particular.

• Over-thinking and spending too much time in the head.

• Consistent chest breathing and pulling of the breath.

• Mouth breathing.

• Difficulty with concentration and focus.

• Listlessness, exhaustion or fatigue.

Sound familiar? Whatever you do, DON’T carry on as you are! Stress is not your friend. The stress hormones that are constantly rampaging around your body can do serious damage to your health. Now is the time to implement self care.

If you find that your mind is busy, busy, busy, you might need to begin with movement. A simple routine like the cat sequence I frequently teach can be a good place to begin. Don’t worry about the breathing but do notice the contact your body has with the floor.

If you are overwhelmed, begin at your feet. Notice them, feel them on the ground and if that is difficult, massage them so that you really feel the sensations in your feet. Squeezing the arms and legs can be useful if you feel disconnected from yourself.

If you can cope with stillness, concentrate on your breath. Sound is the easiest way of making the shift from chest breathing to belly breathing. It doesn’t matter what it is but you could try, sss, fff, ahh, brr. Sound that can loosen a tense jaw is brilliant!

Practice breathing through your nose as often as possible. It took a single event to alter your breath; it is possible to change it back within 24 hours. It just takes practice. Mouth breathing or shallow breathing reduces the amount of Carbon Dioxide (CO2) you take in. CO2 is necessary for vaso-dilation (dilating your blood vessels) which allows for oxygen uptake. Without this, blood vessels constrict which means the flow of blood is slowed leading to potential complications. Red blood cells hang on to oxygen when CO2 is low, therefore the body’s cells are not receiving enough oxygen to thrive.

If after reading this you start to panic, STOP! This is life and you are not alone. Stuff gets in the way of self care. But now you understand the importance of taking time for yourself and addressing the issue, begin where you are.

If you need support on your journey, do get in touch.